The Way He Looks At Me
by Swimfan724
Summary: SLASH - My first fanfic about Seth and Ryan
1. Flashing Back

_The Way He Looks At Me_

**I don't own or claim to own anything here.**

**The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.****  
This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.**  
  
**Chapter 1**  
  
As Ryan trudged up the last hill home, not even close to breaking any kind of sweat caused by the walk from the Crab Shack back home, all he could think about was taking a loooong, hot shower and not having to think about anything at all. He just wanted to get away for just an hour, and have space to think about things.  
  
No one in Newport could honestly say that they had had a hard life. Yes, Marissa sure has had one hell of a year, but before that and to date she was fine.  
  
No one, with the exception on Ryan Atwood.  
  
Everyone in Newport saw him as the strong but silent type, who stayed out of the lime light and towards the back of the room. But no one really understood what such a good looking, tough talking guy was so afraid of.  
  
The fact that no one really understood him unnerved him a bit, but he knew that that was something he had brought upon himself. Or did he? He was still so confused about what to think about himself.  
  
As he stepped into the shower and let the hot water wash over him, he couldn't push something that had been nagging him ever since some out-of-town girl was hitting on him at work, reminding him that he wasn't really into girls, not now anyway.  
  
From the age of 5, Ryan's life in Chino was something that no child should had ever had to live through.  
  
Ryan would always remember the fear he had lived with everyday, afraid of the man, no, correction, the scum that his mother might bring home each night.  
  
He had always had to be afraid of them and even more so when he was 12.  
  
But Ryan always looked up to his brother when he was younger. Following, imitating and pretending to be just like his big brother; that is until his brother brought him to a party one of his friends was having.  
  
-Flashback-  
  
At the time, Ryan was ecstatic. He couldn't wait to be around older kids, and just be able to hang out with them - Or so he thought.  
  
From the beginning, a lot of the people there looked at him funny. He understood that it was odd that someone so young was at the party, but he didn't care, and he blew them off to follow his brother around.  
  
As it got later in the night, he noticed people wandering off into bedrooms together. He knew what they would be doing, but was still curious. He set off towards the rooms, trying the handles and moving on when he felt that they were locked. He finally found a door that was unlocked, so he walked right in.  
  
There were about 3 people in the room, but Ryan couldn't remember. In truth, he didn't want to remember.  
  
Almost as soon as he walked in, he wanted to turn right around and leave. But he couldn't. Immediately, they shot up of the bed they were sitting on and grabbed Ryan by the back of the shirt and threw him onto sheets. He tried to look at them, but one of them slapped his face, and he buried his head into a pillow, wanting whatever was about to happen to stop and for the people to just go away.  
  
Someone pulled his jeans clean off, and then ripped his underwear off too. He knew what was happening, but he knew to stay silent; "Let itself play through and maybe he wouldn't get hurt," he thought. He was dead wrong.  
  
Ryan couldn't really remember what happened next, which was fine by him, since he didn't want to anyway. All he really could remember were waves and waves of indescribable pain. Not all of it occurred below his waist, seeing as how the last man, the one who wasn't raping him and the one who wasn't holding him down was hitting him all over, with punches and slaps and scratches on his back.  
  
He had no idea how long it lasted, but it seemed like eternity. If only it was one person........maybe it would be easier to deal with. But once one of them was finished, they switched places and it started all over. Finally, after again what seemed like forever, another person started and was punched in the face and knocked unconscious.  
  
Ryan came-to as he heard his brother yelling for him. He finally opened the door to the room Ryan was in and shouted a quick "Hurry up, its getting late and we need to get back!" before shutting the door and walking away.  
  
He tried to stand, but found that his whole body was burning with such pain that it brought tears to his eyes. He fell in a heap onto the floor, hindered by the jeans and underwear that were still down around his ankles. He stood up as slow as he could to alleviate the pain, and pulled his pants back on. He limped to the door, and didn't look back.  
  
-End Flashback-  
  
As Ryan turned the water off, he couldn't help wishing that he had more. More of what he didn't know. He just knew that there was something missing.  
  
He wrapped the towel around himself and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at the lean 17 year old looking back at him. He realized what he wanted.  
  
"Ever since that night, I don't know what to do with myself" he sighed as he turned to step out into his bedroom.  
  
He sat down on the edge of the bed and placed his head in his hands as he continued to travel deeper in thought.  
  
Ryan knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted for every person to know what he has had to go through, and how he felt. Not down to the last detail, but to the extent that they wouldn't treat him as they did now. Like the "macho man who can deal with anything" as Summer had once called him. He wanted to be able to feel normal around them, and be without the insecurities he was left with ever since that night.  
  
He knew that he had feelings for guys. The kind of feelings that normal guys didn't have for others. But he also felt that way about girls. He knew he did. "Well, at least I'm pretty sure I do" he whispered under his breathe.  
  
He had built his impenetrable facade 5 years ago, convincing himself that he wanted girls, and only girls. He told himself that every day and wouldn't allow himself to look at men in any way whatsoever. He knew that the slightest slip-up would cause him to break down.  
  
Just like he did when he first got into Newport. Someone had actually cared about him and what was best for him. Someone wanted to help him. Someone had given him a better shot at life.  
  
And that someone was Sandy Cohen. He knew he had grown into almost a second son in Sandy and Kirsten's eyes, and he himself felt that he was part of the Cohen family.  
  
But Seth...... They had become best friends, brothers even, and spent so much time together that they themselves became family. But Ryan was always hindered about getting to close to anyone, in case they found out who he truly was.  
  
Yes, Ryan felt he could trust Seth with his life, it was just that if anyone in Newport found out about who he really was he would never forgive himself. He didn't want to become what Seth was before Ryan came here. He didn't want to be the odd unwanted kid in the back of the room who was taking up everyone else's oxygen...  
  
...but that was what he was now........almost, anyway. He could still remember how people like Marissa and Holly had looked at and treated him when he first arrived. He didn't want that - no, he loved his friends and was glad that they finally had accepted him.  
  
But Seth, his one true friend, well, if he found out about what Ryan had gone through.... "I don't even want to think about what I would do if I lost him" he murmured as he started to feel his eyes filling with tears.  
  
What Ryan really needed right now was someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge him, and would still feel the same about him once he finished talking. He knew who he could go to, and the sooner the better.  
  
Ryan stood up, quickly changed into a pair of sweats and t-shirt and walked right out of the pool house and headed into the house. "Should be home by now...." he thought to himself as he walked into the kitchen. "Ah hah! Found you!"  
  
"What? Oh, Ryan, I thought you were Sandy!"  
  
"Mrs. Cohen....can I talk to you about something?" Ryan quickly murmured. "Its kinda, ok, actually its really important. Do you have some time?"  
  
"Of course!" she said, seeing the look on his face. "You know you can talk to me about anything" Kirsten smiled, and then pat the stool next to her. "Come sit"

**TBC...if you guys like it that is.............. :)**


	2. More Talking

_The Way He Looks At Me I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.  
  
I am planning for this so become a slash...I just haven't gotten that far into the story yet._  
  
**Chapter 2**  
  
Ryan slowly managed to make it to the other side of the kitchen and sit on the stool indicated by Kirsten. He sighed as he sat, and grimaced at the thought of what he was about to tell his adoptive mother.  
  
As Ryan looked directly into Kirsten's eyes, she knew whatever he had to tell her wouldn't exactly be the best of news.  
  
"What is it? Did something happen? Are you OK? What about Seth? Oh, where is he....what's going on?" Kirsten hurriedly asked, looking very worried.  
  
"No, no, its nothing like that. It's actually something that happened a long time ago. I've just been thinking about it a lot recently. I......" he stopped, clearly struggling for the right word(s). "....I just, I needed to talk to someone about it. I hope you don't mind."  
  
"Oh no, its fine, I'm sorry for going off like that. Its just that, well, you know, your not really a person known for having good news," she smiled upon finishing, hoping Ryan would understand it was just one of those bad jokes parents slip in here and there.  
  
He smiled, if briefly, before pushing forward. "I, um, oh hell, where do I start?" He sighed again, placing his head in his hands once more.  
  
"Take your time. Really. If its important, there's no rush. No rush at all." Kirsten said as she closed her June issue of Vogue and pushed it aside.  
  
Upon seeing that Kirsten was really going to listen to what he had to say, he launched into the story about how he was violated at such a young age. He started slowly at first, not sure how he really wanted to approach it.  
  
But once he started, he found he couldn't stop. He kept talking, despite the constantly changing looks on Kirsten's face.  
  
Once he finished about his childhood, he felt he should tell her what was really on his mind. The fact that he was hiding who he really was; his true sexuality and the way he felt about the people he had grown to befriend here in Newport.  
  
He never mentioned anything about his feelings about losing his best friend. Looking back, he didn't even remember saying Seth's name once. He had said something about everyone from Caleb to Marissa, even the incident that was Oliver (how in hell he worked that prick into a conversation like this is beyond me). But he was still nervous about anything Seth Cohen.  
  
He couldn't figure why he was so afraid of what Seth would think. He felt deep down he cared about him, but he sure as hell didn't have any other kinds of feelings. That is to say feelings of romance or lust.  
  
God no, he could never look at Seth that way. They were best friends.....as many said, they were brothers, and one brother didn't fall for the other. That's sick. And sad. And sick.  
  
Once Kirsten was sure Ryan was quite finished, she still couldn't think of something to say; and boy did she feel like a total bitch for it.  
  
She sat their, eyes wide open, but not as though she was in shock. She knew something was wrong with Ryan. He had become such a well adjusted boy, but only recently she had noticed that he was pulling away and moving back into that dark and silent place he was when she first saw him.  
  
But she still sat there not saying anything. She felt horrible. She had grown to love Ryan just like she loved Seth, and hearing that one of her son's had to go through something like this made her physically and mentally ill.  
  
"I'm sorry I bothered you. I don't know what I was thinking. I just, I guess I just needed to know that I could say all of that out loud. I really am sorry. " Ryan started to stand and walk out of the kitchen before Kirsten realized she needed to say something.  
  
"Ryan, I had NO idea. I'm so sorry. I love you. You know that right? Nothing like this could ever change how I feel about you. But right now I just need to, well, truthfully I need to think. I understand how you feel. People like Luke and Holly, well, I know what they can be like. Hell, I used to be Holly 15 years ago."  
  
"Thanks Mrs. Cohen. Really, all I needed was to hear it from myself. Thanks again" Ryan trailed off at the end, before stopping and turning and "Please don't tell Mr. Cohen. I don't know how you will look at me now, but one person is hard enough. If you wouldn't mind, please don't say anything to Sandy."  
  
The boy started off back towards the pool house, before stopping, turning looking at Kirsten through the kitchen window with a look that broke her heart in two, and continuing on his way.  
  
Ryan had been lying down in his bed for what felt like hours, but he figured it was only minutes. He was running the whole conversation over again in his head, trying to remember everything he said, and what Kirsten's face looked like after each comment.  
  
"Where did I go wrong?" he almost yelled, not noticing Kirsten standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes.  
  
"Such a beautiful person, and with such a great heart and personality....why Ryan?" she wondered, shaking her head.  
  
"You didn't do anything honey. Nothing at all. It was me, me and my sad, sad self. I'm sorry for not saying anything, hopefully you can understand?" Kirsten whispered, watching Ryan do a complete 180 on the bed and looking completely bewildered at the fact that there was suddenly another person in his room.  
  
"I, how long were you standing there?" Ryan asked quickly, looking scared, unbeknownst to Kirsten why.  
  
"Not long, I just got here. And I want to say that what happened to you is faaaaaar from your fault. Those people were sick, and what they did is not only disgusting, but illegal. You were an innocent, and you still are.....I mean........was.......what I mean to say is......" she paused before "shit, oh shit" she said under her breathe.  
  
"Ryan, can I ask you an extremely personal question?"  
"Um.....I guess so. Where not really in a taboo state of conversation anymore. We left that at hello - so sure."  
  
Kirsten obviously struggled with whatever she was thinking about before blurting out "Have you ever had real sex with anyone; whether it be male or female? And I didn't mean real sex, I just meant, well, with someone not forcing you." At the sight of Ryan's face, she wish she never said it. He looked sick. Beyond sick. Like he was about to throw up.  
  
It took Ryan an easy minute or even two before he even looked like he was ready to answer. "I, well, I won't lie. I've never had sex with anyone since that night. Everyone looks at me like some sort of player, but I've never slept with anyone. Of course I've never done anything with a boy, since I swore that off, but I, well, I could never "do the deed" if you will. I just, well, helped please the girl if you know what I mean. But I never have had actual sex since then." He managed to slip out, if only a faint whisper.  
  
If Kirsten hadn't sat down next to him, she wouldn't have heard a single word.

**Alright, please R & R, and I promise this will be continued. I have the next chapter ready, and I have planned out all the way up to 10.**


	3. The Traitor

**_The Way He Looks At Me_**

**I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.  
  
This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.**  
  
**Chapter 3  
**  
Kirsten sat on the edge of the bed for a few moments, digesting a huge amount of surprising and unsettling information for the second time that day.  
  
"So you never?" she asked, looking anxious as she awaited an answer.  
  
"Never" Ryan replied, barely even a whisper.  
  
"But Ryan, you come off as such a ladies man!" she joked, trying to make Ryan feel better.  
  
"I know, its just all part of the act I suppose. People see me as someone who only does one-night stands, so that keeps the girls away, and guys never come near. It helps repel people, but at the same time it doesn't leave much room for friendliness." Again, only a whisper.  
  
"Well, I honestly don't know what to say now. You know you can talk to me about anything. And your secret doesn't leave the house (A/N : remember that!). I love you Ryan, and if you want to talk some more, just come get me" Kirsten said, almost jubilantly as to try and lift the mood from depressed to happy.  
  
Almost as quick as she had sat down, she was up again, walking swiftly out the door, across the lawn and into the house. She felt awful for just leaving, but she new she had to get out of there before she said anything else that would make Ryan feel worse. Once inside she picked up the cordless and dialed.  
  
As she waited, she started tapping her foot nervously on the tile.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi Sandy, its me, we really need to talk"  
  
"Oh, ok, what's wrong, did something happen?"  
  
"Well, kind of. No, actually, yes. When can I see you?"  
  
"Give me an hour and I will be there, ok?"  
  
"Yes, yes that's fine, I'll get dinner." Upon hanging up the phone, Kirsten spun around, grabbed the phone book and looked up the nearest pizza parlor. "Ryan likes pizza, yes?" she thought, and started dialing the number on the page.  
  
An hour later, Kirsten heard the crunch of gravel on the front drive, and nearly sprinted to the front door. She looked out the window, only to see the acne-ridden face of some teenager carrying the four boxes of pizza up the walk.  
  
She opened the door and paid the $30, and walked right back into the kitchen. She turned the oven to 150 to keep the pizza's warm, and ran straight back to the door when she heard another car approach.  
  
"Sandy, thank god!" Kirsten swore as she ran outside to greet him. She could only imagine that she looked flustered because the first thing out of his mouth as he dropped his briefcase to the ground was:  
  
"What's wrong. Good lord, is everything ok?!?!"  
  
"Yes, yes. It is now. I just need to talk to you about Ryan. But not now. I ordered pizza and the three of us can have I nice dinner. Seth won't be home until late - he has several lessons lined up today so he won't be home for dinner. But please please please don't act like I said anything - even thought I didn't, yet. Right now we just need to be normal around Ryan."  
  
"I have no reason to act otherwise! You haven't told me anything!" Sandy replied, hinting at a bit of anger towards the fact that he still didn't know what in the world Kirsten was talking about.  
  
"Well, we just need to talk later. Like, tonight, in bed, where no one will bother us. But just know its urgent. Ok?"  
  
Sandy looked utterly bewildered, but agreed and followed Kirsten into the house.

* * *

After what had been an extremely odd diner, what with Ryan and Kirsten exchanging silent glances every few moments, Sandy felt completely left out. And childish. Childish for feeling left out.  
  
Sandy watched Ryan sulk back to the pool house as he washed the dishes, and couldn't help but feel an odd mixture of excitement and anticipation as to whatever it was that Kirsten had to tell him.  
  
Once he had finished, he yelled for Kirsten and they headed upstairs.  
  
After they both had finished getting ready for bed, they climbed in together, but sat atop the sheets.  
  
Kirsten looked as though she was going to be sick, and Sandy didn't know what to do or say.  
  
"Honey, is everything alright?"  
  
"Ryan is gay." Kirsten almost yelled, as the words seemed to have been fighting to get out as she was fighting to keep them in.  
  
"What?" Sandy asked, extremely alarmed and looking bewildered for about the 100th time that night.  
  
And as Sandy asked, they both heard a loud creak outside their bedroom door which made Kirsten jump.  
  
"Just the wood, honey. But what hell do you mean by "Ryan is gay?????"  
  
"He came to me today. But before I go any farther, you have to promise me you will not tell a sole about what I tell you tonight. Ryan made me promise I wouldn't tell, but this is something that I don't know how to handle alone. I need someone to talk to."  
  
"I promise" Sandy answered seeing the fear in Kirsten's eyes.  
  
"Alright, well, here I go. Don't stop me. It will be easier if I just say what I have to say and don't have to take Q and A's from the peanut gallery until I'm done. Understand?" she asked sternly, obviously serious about what she had just said.  
  
"Yes, go."  
  
"Ok. Well, I just told you that Ryan is gay. I think. He came to me today to dump a shitload of his emotions that he didn't know what to make of. Oh, and this isn't something that he just found out. He's known it for a while."  
  
And on and on Kirsten went about how Ryan was raped, how he realized he was gay and tried to hide his feelings from the world.  
  
She explained how he built a facade of lies to protect himself, and how he had grown to love some of the people his own age here, and the Cohen's. Also how he felt he owed them something, and felt that explaining to Kirsten who he really was, was a start.  
  
She launched into details about how he felt about other boys, and how he didn't want anyone outside herself, and now Sandy to know about who he was, in fear of what people like Holly and Luke would do. His fear of having to move back to Chino, and so many other things he felt he could never face.  
  
As Kirsten talked about Ryan and Sandy's facial expressions changed almost as often as hers did earlier that day, neither of them noticed the floorboards creaking again as she started to wrap up her 10-minute long rant.  
  
They didn't notice the loud running footsteps or the slamming of the door only down the hall. They had no idea anyone was listening, and had forgotten about the partially open bedroom door.

* * *

**Please R & R. As I've said, I plan on finished this story if it's the last thing I do. I have it planned up until 12, but I need some reviews so I at least now that someone out there is reading this!**


	4. Really?

**The Way He Looks At Me I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.**  
  
- This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.  
- Thoughts will be typed like this - Hopefully this won't turn into one of those stories where they fight with everything that goes on in their heads (that is unless you people like that stuff)  
  
**Chapter 4**  
  
The morning sun streamed in through all the windows of the open windows in Seth Cohen's room. As soon as he started to wake, all of the days past events came speeding back to him.  
  
"I hope it was all a dream" he muttered under his breathe as he glanced to his right, looking out the window at Marissa's house. "Please please please let it have been a dream!" he started to yell, before realizing that it was 8:30 on a Saturday morning.  
  
He figured that if he could determine whether or not yesterday was a dream, he would just have to confirm that at least one thing happened.  
  
And since Ryan was just across the lawn, that was where he would start.  
  
He quickly brushed his teeth and threw some PJ bottoms on before heading downstairs. Seth pulled out a tray, poured 2 bowls of Cap'n Crunch, 2 glasses of O.J. and a carton of milk.  
  
As he made his way to the pool house he felt a deep growing pit of despair in the pit of his stomach.  
  
He slowly opened the door, trying as hard as be could not to make any sounds that might wake Ryan. Seth set the tray at the foot of the bed, and walked back over to the door. He picked up the stool sitting next to one of the Ottomans, took a step back, and kicked it as hard as he could towards the chest in the corner of the room.  
  
When the plush collided with the wood, the result was a fairly muffled banging sound that still came off as though he had tripped.  
  
Ryan sat up so fast Seth was surprised that he didn't pull a muscle. He looked around with those cute morning puppy doll eyes that Seth didn't even realize he thought were cute. He was more worried about the look on Ryan's face. The look of shock and terror.  
  
He realized it was just some of the left-over memories from Chino, but it was still something that he hadn't seen since his first days here.  
  
It took a few moments for Ryan to realize where he was, and then what Seth had just accomplished. His face relaxed as he looked at his best friend, and sat back on the pillows.  
  
"Sorry about the noise, I just tripped. Sorry. Anyway, I was out ALL day yesterday and I haven't really seen you all week so I figured we could just hang. So I brought some breakfast, well, cereal, and thought we could talk. Ya know, just us guys. And maybe we could come up with something to do together. Since, well you know. "  
  
Seeing the look on Ryan's face, he remembered that he hadn't seen Ryan since yesterday morning. "Oh! That's right. Summer wanted to break up, so well, we did. So now I'm sad, and no girls for Seth Cohen right now. And listen to me....just talking and talking. What's up with you!?"  
  
Ryan took a moment to process the incisive Seth rambling that he wasn't used to so early on a weekend morning.  
  
"Uh......ya, we could just hang today. That sounds good. What's with the breakfast in bed?" he asked, looking down at the food near his feet.  
  
"Well, I just wanted to hang all day. Hope that's all right with you." Seth smiled, and Ryan thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen.  
  
_Huh?_ He thought. _Seth? Cute? Well, kinda, I guess...... But Seth? Why can't it be someone I can actually date_!  
  
"Ok, so, tell me all about this whole Summer thing" he said as he reached for a bowl with one hand, and waved his hand in the air, gesturing as he said "whole".  
  
"Well.........I went over to her house once I finished the lessons. Speaking of which, were sooooo incredibly boring. You should come with me sometimes so I'm not all alone with either crazy teens or boring old geezers," as he finished his invite, Ryan couldn't help but flash one of the biggest smile's he had ever flashed. And that was saying something.  
  
"Anyway, I went over Summers late last night, and thought maybe we would fool around or something," this time, Ryan cringed both inside and out, but Seth didn't notice, "but when I got their she looked all serious and said we needed to talk. She told me that her family was going through some sort of really hard shit, and she just needed a brake so she could concentrate on them. So I felt sort of defeated, but I left after telling her I would always be here for her," he patted the bed as he said it.  
  
"So I got sad, and pouted, but whatever. Maybe I'll find someone else.....and hopefully Summer won't get pissed of at me too."  
  
Ryan shifted uncomfortably at the brief hope that he would be Seth's "someone else", before sighing.  
"Ok, ok, now its your turn. Were trading personal stories now. Girl talk if you will. So I went, you go!"  
  
"What? Oh, well, uh.......I don't think anything has happened, I mean, you know everything about Me and Marissa, but that's not doin' right now so.......I don't really have anything to tell..."  
  
As Ryan was speaking, Seth could tell that he was in that really uncomfortable place as he shifted from sitting to leaning, to sitting, and then stood. _Does Seth know something? No, no, of course not, Kirsten wouldn't say anything...would she? I mean I only told her yesterday, is she really that conceded? She did say she was like Holly, but I figured that was in her past. No, I'm just being stupid.....no way. Just stupid, naive Ryan. Calm down!  
_  
"You sure man? Nothing....I mean your Ryan Atwood! Mr. Dark and Secretive. There's nothing I don't know yet? Come on, give me SOMETHING!" he said, almost sarcastically, but he knew that there was something. _I mean, yesterday **did** happen. So, Ryan is like totally not telling me stuff. We talk about everything!! Honestly!_  
  
"Yeah, I can't really think anything. Dude, I'm sorry! There's nothing new to tell!"  
  
"Fine!" Seth stood up, spun around really quickly and walked right out of the pool house. "Whatever dude. I'm like your brother, and I thought we could tell each other EVERYTHING. But fine. I just thought of something I have to do." And with that Seth sprinted to the house and slammed the door so loudly that Ryan could hear it back in his room.  
  
**Ok, that's that. Please R & R so I know I should continue with the story........... : )**


	5. Dinner

The Way He Looks At Me

**I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.**  
  
**- This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for ****sex****ual content and language in later chapters.  
- Thoughts will be typed like this - Hopefully this won't turn into one of those stories where they fight with everything that goes on in their heads (that is unless you people like that stuff)**  
  
Chapter 5

* * *

For the rest of the day, both Ryan and Seth spent it in their rooms.  
  
Seth continually pacing and sitting, slowly cooling off. He wasn't sure what had made him so angry. He just wished that Ryan would feel that they were close enough that he could tell him anything....and everything.  
  
Ryan sulking and feeling awful that his secret was out in less than 24 hours, and none the less it was out to the one person he would have killed to keep it from.  
  
Almost as fast as it took Seth to get from the pool house into the actual house, it took Ryan to figure out what Seth wanted confirmed.  
  
Confirmed, because Seth had to know about Ryan with the way he had talked. Tell me something Ryan! Come on. There's got to be something you want to tell me!  
  
There was something he wanted to tell Seth, but he knew he never could. Well, that wasn't needed any more seeing as how Kirsten had already done so.  
  
_But why? Why would Kirsten say something........ to Seth of all people, and in such a fast time?  
_"Why?" Ryan said out loud as he punched the bed in anger.

* * *

Seth felt worse then he had ever felt in his entire life at the exact moment he slammed the back door to the house.  
  
He had to yell, run, and slam doors. He just had to do all of that. And for what reason? Because Ryan wouldn't tell him about the one thing that he didn't want anyone in the known universe to know.  
  
What a great friend I am. Really...I'm just Super Friend! Able to make the closest people enemies; piss of the calmest of people; even split families right down the middle!  
Maybe I should just go down there and say that I'm sorry.  
  
_What have I done?! The person I love as a true brother, true friend...and the minute I find something troubling about him I shut him out and make him feel like shit.  
_  
But before Seth could decide what to do, he heard his mom calling him for dinner.  
Ryan also heard Kirsten yelling for dinner. _Oh, family dinner. Time for bonding!_  
  
Ryan decided that he would go up to dinner for long enough to say something pertaining to the fact that he could no longer trust 2/3's of his family.  
  
As he trudged up the lawn into the house, he saw that the table was set for four and immediately tried to turn around.  
  
No game. Kirsten was standing behind him, smiling, unknowingly blocking his only escape back outside.  
  
As he made his way over to the table, his face fell as he heard Seth meandering down the steps. _Shit, you mean I have to sit with the whole fucking family. Now they'll probably look at me like a complete freak. Just you wait Ryan Atwood...just you wait._  
  
He sat down across from Seth but avoided his gaze completely.  
  
After what felt like four days, Sandy and Kirsten sat down with three boxes of steaming pizza. Like what Kirsten had done could be made up with pizza.  
  
As Sandy started cutting the slices, Ryan stood up so fast he knocked his chair to the ground and his plate, fork and knife all clattered to the floor.  
  
Kirsten looked up in alarm, Sandy dropped the pie-slicer and Seth also pushed his chair back, but did not stand.  
  
_First, Kirsten._  
  
"I can't believe I trusted you! I was starting to feel like you were my mother. Which by what I grew up with, that's not something you want to be compared to. I told you something that I hid away for 5 years, and knew that I couldn't tell anyone. But I told you. And what did you do? You told the one person that I would never want to know. And in less than a fucking day! Thank you so much Julie Cooper, because that's who you are!"  
  
The look in Ryan's eyes was pure fury, but Seth knew he wasn't done. Ryan turned to look at Seth, and rounded on him.  
  
As he talked, his voice was only slightly above a whisper so that he wasn't yelling but he could still be heard clearly.  
  
"I look at you like my best friend in the entire world. We have even come closer than what I had with Theresa. I thought nothing could ruin what we have. I mean had...because the minute that your mother told you what she did, you came to me and made me feel even worse than I thought I could ever feel. I assume everyone here knows I'm gay" he said as his eyes swept the table before continuing, "and I think I started falling for your son. But not anymore...now that I know how you all really feel about me. The minute something about me comes up, ya'll can't wait to gossip. So there, that should give you something to talk about for a long time!"  
  
Ryan walked right over to the door before yelling back so everyone could hear him, "Thanks again Kirsten, but all I have to say is FUCK THIS SHIT!!!" he screamed as tears started to fill his eyes and he took off to the pool house.  
  
The seconds ticked by as Kirsten sat silently staring at Sandy, neither knowing what to do or say. As soon as Ryan took off, Seth was only paces behind but in the opposite direction, leaving the two in the dining room.  
  
Sandy decided that he would speak first, seeing as how he was the only member of the Cohen clan that hadn't just been verbally assaulted. "You told Seth?"  
  
Kirsten just sat, but her glance had shifted from Sandy to the door that Ryan had left through. She shook her head, but it wasn't convincing enough for Mr. Hot-Shot lawyer.  
  
"Seth is just a boy - as is Ryan. Ryan couldn't handle this when it happened, and he sure can't handle it now. What made you think Seth could?"  
  
Finally, Kirsten spoke up. "I DID NOT tell Seth. I don't know how he found out, but it wasn't from me, and it doesn't sound as if you said anything and Ryan sure as hell didn't tell hi-" She stopped as she heard the floorboard on the second floor creak, and she noticed the door to the basement slightly opened.  
  
"The bedroom door!" She exclaimed, standing up. "We left the bedroom door open last night, and the creak! It must have been Seth coming home late. He stopped hearing us talking, then once I finished with the Ryan epic, he ran to his room."  
  
"Of course! How could we be so stupid!?" Sandy stood up, before getting a confused look on his face and sitting back down. "So what though? We know how Seth found out, but that doesn't help the fact the Ryan thinks that you betrayed him and however Seth reacted to it."  
  
"I don't know what to do....honestly, I..I....I just don't know. My brain is fried thanks to all of this information overload."  
  
Sandy looked at his wife before saying "Stop talking like the kids and come on, lets go upstairs and figure this out in the morning" and walking over, locking arms and pulling her up off the seat.

* * *

Seth found himself pacing his bedroom for the second time that day, but this time thinking about the fact that Ryan hated him and everything Cohen related .  
  
"I think I'm falling for your son." _Holy Shit...._ Seth had just remembered what Ryan said and it hit him like a ton of bricks. "I assume everyone here knows I'm gay...."  
  
"No, no, honestly Ryan," Seth found himself talking out loud, "I can't say I knew you were gay." He gazed across the dark lawn at the drape-drawn pool house wishing he could just go down there.  
  
_Of all people, Ryan is the last person I would pin for gay. Seriously, that guy has looks that could kill. And that's meant for guys? Wow....and those looks were for me? Seth Cohen, you dog! You finally got Summer tagged down after what seemed like a century, and now you have the hottest man alive crushing on you! You dog you!  
_  
"Wait....hottest man alive?"  
  
_Yes, yes. That's what I thought, and well, can you deny it?_  
  
"Well...no, but I just broke up with Summer! That would be the like, the worst case of serious rebounding syndrome on earth...and besides, its like wrong on 4 different levels!  
  
_Yes, well, you shouldn't deny the fact that at least you think the man is attractive...cause' hell, he is.  
_  
"Fine. Yes... I do indeed think that Ryan Atwood is a hot man. And I accept the fact that he had feelings for me (shudders as saying this) before I accidentally went off on him. And not I ruined the best relationship I have ever had, although it wasn't a relationship relationship, but I ruined it none the less. God, Seth, you are one retarded kid," Seth finished after his little battle with his conscience, and sat down and put his head in his hands like his brother had only a day ago.  
  
But as he sat, he was to focused on placing his butt on the bed that he hadn't bothered to notice that his door was not entirely shut, and again, someone had walked down the hall, not even attempting to keep their footsteps soft.

* * *

**

* * *

**

****

**THE END**

**Hope you all enjoyed reading...and I hope that you can, in turn, write me a review, even if it's short, just so I know that there are at least a few people out there reading this!**


	6. Apologies

**The Way He Looks At Me**

**I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.  
  
- This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for ****sex****ual content and language in later chapters.  
- Thoughts will be typed like _this_ **

**-Finally I have gotten some nice reviews! I love all you people reading this, and especially Waverin 3 and Satan's Seraphim. Please, if you read this, please please PLEASE review even if its 5 words. It lets me know that there are at least a phew people reading!  
**  
**Chapter 6**  
  
Ryan, once back on the first floor collapsed onto the nearest couch as for the third time that day tears had started to fill his eyes again.  
  
So...Seth doesn't really hate me. I mean, not hate, but whatever that show of fury was....it was accidental? I hope so. Oh god I hope so. I would kill myself I couldn't even have Seth as a brother anymore.  
  
"No," Ryan said aloud. _Not brother, friend. Because I can't fall for my brother. I can fall for a friend...but not a brother. So Seth is my friend. Extremely close friend, but whatever. I still think that I......._ and at that Ryan drifted off. It was probably one of the most demanding days he had ever been through, and he was tired as hell.  
  
As Ryan slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep, Seth was still upstairs fighting with his thoughts again.  
  
"So I, Seth Cohen, on the rebound from the first relationship I ever had, with a girl I might add, am now falling for the hottest man alive. I think. Hmm...this is interesting. I should write this down when this is all over and done with."  
  
_What makes you think this will ever be over. Ryan is part of your family...well, was until you blew it only hours ago.  
_  
"I didn't do it on purpose! God! It just pains me to think that I could tell him anything, and he can't open up to me about anything at all."  
  
_Are you kidding yourself? Ryan Atwood is not the person to tell anything to anyone - ever. No matter whether your a friend, parent, counselor or lover. From where he came, you can't expect him to be. And after your mothers' supreme display of self-control you witnessed first-hand last night, can you blame him for not telling you about the one thing he has kept hidden away in a tightly locked chest for five years?  
_  
Pause  
  
_Well, can you?_  
  
"No, I can't. I blame myself...happy?!"  
  
_Yes._  
  
"And what am I to do now. I think that Ryan is a hottie," again Seth finds himself cringing at this, "but I've ruined it. I seem to be saying that a lot tonight."  
  
_First thing tomorrow morning you march down there and tell him everything. Tell him he doesn't have to say anything, but just tell him that your sorry and you understand why he couldn't tell, and you of all people. You'll have to wing it from their since I'm only here when your alone apparently. So, maybe write this down?  
  
_"Shut up. Fine. Come morning I talk to Ryan. Game plan set. Time for bed." And with that Seth turned his light off and face-planted into the pillow, forcing himself to fall asleep as fast as he could.

* * *

Kirsten was first to wake the next morning, having set her internal clock (something she prayed would work for about an hour before going to bed) to as early as she could manage.  
  
She slowly got out of bed and fixed herself in the mirror, but being as quite as she could so as not to wake Sandy.  
  
She made her way downstairs, figuring she would march right into the pool house and apologize for everything...especially the fact that Seth found out. Even though it wasn't her fault entirely, she did deserve the blame.  
  
Kirsten had to slap her hand to her mouth to keep herself from yelping as she walked from the hallway through the living room and to her deep surprise, found Ryan sleeping soundly on the couch.  
  
_What is he doing in here? Surely he would want to be as far away from here as he could....right?  
_  
She continued into the kitchen and made two cups of coffee and grabbed the carrying tray on her way out. She set it up in front of Ryan and settled herself on the closest seat.Kirsten started making small coughing and growling noises in her throat to wake him, but trying to do so as subtly as she could.  
  
Ryan slowly came to, and was obviously confused for a few moments as he stared at the cushion he had been laying on, before he turned to his right, saw the table and coffee, and bolted upright.  
  
There was a mixture of terror and surprised anger in his eyes and they finally settled on Kirsten, sitting with her legs crossed, sipping her coffee and peering at him over the mug.  
  
The first thing that came was that she thought he looked extremely cute in the morning with the tired look in his eyes, and that perfect bed head hair that made him look great.  
  
She wasn't sure what to say exactly, so she started with what she thought was both the easiest and most important.  
  
"I'm so sorry for what I did. What you did was something that took more courage than anyone has. I admire you for coming to me and telling me, and I feel honored that you chose me, but as you can see, I am not the most reliable person to keep a secret," she paused as Ryan started to protest to her talking, but she held a hand up before continuing.  
  
"Please, let me get through this. Ryan, I love you as much as I love Seth and Sandy. Your son to me, and what I did to you is quite possibly the worst thing I could ever do. And I apologize again, and I will continue to do so until I die. But you have to understand that when you told me, I was basically in some mild state of shock. Look at us here in Newport. Do we look like the people who handle family crises, like....ever?" she paused for moment, hoping that Ryan's expression would change, which it did, however only slightly.  
  
"I've never had to deal with anything major important in my entire life. The most tragic things ever to happen here was when one of the houses burned down and when Marissa O.D'ed. You've had to deal with so much more....and this, me, what I did only added to it. But I am truly sorry. I just couldn't handle all the info. I needed to tell someone, so I turned to Sandy. I told him last night, after dinner, when we were in bed. I told him almost everything. But what I didn't do was tell Seth. I would never; purposely, that is." At this, Ryan's look went from anger to a frustrated confused look.  
  
"We accidentally left the door open, and I think that when he got back from his sailing lessons, he over-heard. That's how he found out. I didn't tell him, and neither did Sandy. And I would never do that on purpose either. I do love you Ryan, and I'm sorry for breaking our promise. But it was only because I wanted to help you, and I alone couldn't do so. So hopefully you can accept that, and if not, just please don't stop talking to us, and please don't ever leave," she paused before continuing, but only at a low whisper.

"I do love you Ryan Atwood, from the bottom of my heart. I love you like a son, because you are my son. I love you."  
  
As Kirsten finished, she leaned back in her chair with a look of part triumph, part worry at the fact that Ryan still looked how he did for the past few minutes. They sat staring at each other before Ryan finally spoke, but also only a whisper.  
  
"I....I didn't know. I guess I should have figured that you wouldn't just start telling people, but you know; you assume the worst. Thanks for telling me. I...I....I love....um.....you. I do. Its just one of those things..........you know." He looked at the floor, avoiding her gaze, even though it was light and warm.  
  
Ryan finally lifted his gaze from the floor, flashing Kirsten a luke-warm look, but still filled with hurt and tears. She stood up and walked over and sat down next to Ryan, grabbing the nearest blanket and wrapping it around his shoulders.  
  
Ryan instantly tightened at the touch, but after a few reassuring circles of Kirsten's hand on his back, he slowly relaxed and let his head rest on her shoulder.  
  
Still only a whisper, Ryan spoke again. "Thank you for being so understanding. I'm....I'm really sorry about how I....I.....acted. I didn't mean to offend."  
  
"Stop right there. You don't have any reason to apologize. My fault. 100. Don't even think about it again," Kirsten broke in, but with a loving smile on her face.  
  
"I...um...I don't mean to interrupt this loving display here, but, I haven't eaten in a while now. I spent the day in my room all day yesterday, and I didn't eat anything last night. Do you think I could go get breakfast?"  
  
"Nope, no way. I'll get it. You stay put." And with that she stood up and walked into the kitchen, prepared to pull out all the stops in order to make Ryan the best breakfast he had ever had.  
  
As Ryan laid back down and closed his eyes, he heard a second person making their way down the steps. It was a heavy gate as far as he could figure, although he didn't fancy himself some sort of agent so he didn't really know what he was talking about.  
  
He didn't want to know who it was, so he kept his eyes shut, hoping that it was Sandy and he would figure he was sleeping.  
  
He slowly opened an eye to indeed see Sandy standing over him while a pleasant smile, and he ruffled his hair before continuing on into the kitchen.  
  
Ryan slowly drifted off, comforted by the thought that Kirsten hadn't done him wrong on purpose and Sandy wasn't disgusted by him. He was still welcome in their house and slowly fell asleep without remembering the final member of the family and their current situation.  
  
Kirsten was taking her time, seeing as how she was a horrible cook. Sandy was helping where he could, and giving her directions on how to do anything from grate cheese to cracking the eggs without having pieces of shell end up in the pan. It was taking them a long time; they were about half-way done when they realized they had been in the kitchen for at least 2 hours.  
  
They had been having their own fun and didn't realize how long it had took. Sandy took the incentive by making sure Ryan was asleep, which he was, before returning to the kitchen with a satisfied grin.  
  
"Like a baby," Sandy whispered, seeing the concerned look on Kirsten's face. She smiled, before returning to the sink.

* * *

Seth slowly awoke as he registered the blinding sunlight streaming through the drawn window. He rolled over and immediately recalled the nights events. He ran over to the window, completely oblivious to the fact that he knocked over a tower of CD's in his quest to see what he could of the pool house.  
  
What he was looking for he didn't know, but a sign that Ryan hadn't left or shut himself up would do. He could see an open window, and could also see the bed, which the sheets looked pressed and flat on the bed.  
  
"Hmm...." he thought, before he started towards the door.  
  
He made his way down the stairs fairly loudly, seeing as how it was about 9 in the morning and his parents should be up by now.  
  
The noise on the staircase woke Ryan, and it took him a minute to again remember why he was asleep on the couch. He looked sternly over the the stairs, uncertain of who was coming down. His heart sunk as he saw the shadow of a tall, jew-fro teenager form on the hall room floor.  
  
He threw the blanket off himself and stood up, not really knowing what he was going to do.  
  
Seth jumped the last few steps before landing rather loudly on the tiled floor. He looked around before spotting Ryan, standing in all his glory in what Seth thought as the way Ryan should always dress: with his sexy white wife-beater and form-fitting boxer shorts.  
  
Seth mentally slapped himself as he saw the look in Ryan's eyes and made his way into the living room preparing himself for his apologies. But before he came within 10 feet of him, Ryan turned on his heel and walked out of the room. He passed through the other rooms and Seth followed him, close behind.  
  
Ryan opened the back door of the kitchen and walked out, startling Sandy and Kirsten.  
  
Ryan was wearing socks and his steps were light, and they didn't hear him until the heard the door open. They spun around the see Ryan' back facing the kitchen, and Seth standing in the opposite doorway.  
  
There was obviously an impressive amount of tension, and neither parent said anything, but looked on in uncertainty.  
  
Ryan turned slowly around and gave Seth a cold, heartless glare before stepping out onto the lawn and shutting the door behind him. Seth ran to the door and flung it open and also stepped out into the yard.  
  
Ryan was taking long, quick strides, obviously trying his damnest to get to the pool house without breaking out into a run. Seth on the other hand, was jogging behind trying **his** damnest to catch up.  
  
Ryan stepped onto the patio of the pool house and opened the door, just a second before Seth stopped right next to him, and lightly pushed the door shut.  
  
"Please, I need to talk to you. I..." Seth pleaded, but Ryan cut him short.  
  
"I think you've said enough, and **I** **don't** want to talk to you. Excuse me." Ryan stated as he yanked to door away from Seth and stepped inside before closing it, and Seth only stared at the white door as he heard the light _click_ of the lock.  
  
Sandy and Kirsten stared in shock from the window, not knowing what to do or say, only holding on to each other for support.  
  
Seth visibly sunk to the ground, banging his hand against the door in vain, knowing it was not going to open. He slumped over, a tear running down his cheek as he mentally slapped himself again for being "such a....such a....fuck up. That's what I am. I'm a fuck up." he whispered to himself as the tears continued to fall.

* * *

**Ok, that's it for Chapter 6! I promise that the while get together shortly, but I'm pretty sure I changed this to a Romance/Angst, so expect more of what your getting now. :/ Please R&R and I will love you forever!!**


	7. Apart

**The Way He Looks At Me**

I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.  
  
- This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.  
- Thoughts will be typed like this -Finally I have gotten some nice reviews! Please, if you read this, please please PLEASE review even if its a couple words. It lets me know that there are at least some people reading! -Thank you so much to all reviews...especially Waverin3, my new favorite person in the whole universe!  
-I've been told that my characters are headed OOC, and well, all I can say is sorry. My story....so my personality! (jk)  
-Marissa is making her debut in this chapter....and she's going to be a partial ditz/bitch. Tell me whether that's ok or you want a different Marissa. (I'm writing this as if the Coopers still lived next door, and never lost their money....so on and so forth.)  
  
-Disclaimer- I don't own these characters, or pretend to. They all belong to Fox, and I love them for making this show!

* * *

**Chapter 7**  
  
Ryan slowly slid down the wall, resting his head on the only thing separating himself from Seth. He softly cradled his hand as the tears started to slowly drift down his face. The hand which had, only seconds ago, held Seth's - if only briefly.  
  
He slowly pulled himself away from the door and slowly moved to his bed where he stretched out and stared at the window; although the blinds were pulled.  
  
"Why?" he sighed as he turned away from the shadow of Seth on the floor of his room.  
  
On the other side of the wall Seth continued to wallow in self-pity. "So stupid...I am so fucking stupid!" Seth said aloud, not realizing that Ryan heard him again, like right after he shut the door.  
  
Seth continued lightly tapping on the door as Ryan continued laying still, tears lightly rolling down his cheeks, staring at Seth's shadow.  
  
They carried on as they were for almost two hours; Ryan laying and crying, while Seth tapped and cried.  
  
Sandy and Kirsten continued to stare out the window for a few minutes after they had left, not knowing what to do or say. They could tell Seth was visibly shaken but had no idea what Ryan was doing. Kirsten decided to go back to making breakfast, but moving almost 30 times as fast as she waltzed around the room.  
  
After they finished making the breakfast (every single breakfast food and pastry known to man) they piled it onto a tray. Kirsten quickly walked outside carrying the tray stopping short after she saw what her son looked like.  
  
She felt her fingers shaking as she started loosing control of the tray. Kirsten quickly composed herself as she stood next to Seth, looking down upon her son.  
  
"Honey. I brought you two some food. Please. Come on. You've both got to eat something." She said loud enough for Ryan to hopefully hear inside.  
  
"No Mom. I'm not eating anything until I can see Ryan. This is really too...too...important," he choked out before looking back to the spot on the ground he found increasingly important. He wouldn't allow his mother to see what he really looked like.  
  
"Please Seth," she whispered before yelling into the pool house, "Ryan, please come on. You need to eat something."  
  
She paused, hoping against hope that someone would submit and eat.  
  
"Fine. I'll put this right here," she placed the tray on the nearest chair before continuing, "and we'll both be inside if you need us." Kirsten trailed of at the end realizing that no one was listening.  
  
As she walked away, Seth resumed his tapping on the door, but he started choking on his tears as another wave hit him.  
  
This continued for the remainder of the day, until about 7, when Marissa appeared at the back door. She made her own way to the backyard where she was surprised to see the blinds shut in the pool house and _Is that Seth...on the ground!  
_  
She walked quickly towards him, fairly scared of seeing an unconscious Seth lying outside the pool house, of all places. As she got to him and peered over (he was on his side facing the door) she gasped.  
  
"Seth.....oh my god! Seth!" she started calling, afraid of why he looked so...so defeated and scared.  
  
Seth was startled awake and started looking around, not sure of what had just happened; while inside, Ryan was also startled awake as he rolled off the bed.  
  
Seth finally realized who was yelling, and Ryan was scared of what Marissa was doing outside.  
  
After Marissa helped Seth up and sat him in a chair, and Ryan had moved next to the window closest to them, Marissa started what he knew would be an extremely trying Q and A session.  
  
"Seth, good lord. Is everything alright? What's with the way you look?! And your asleep outside! And, where the hell," she paused, looking around as if she were actually **looking** for someone, "is Ryan!?  
  
Seth sighed before he said things he knew he wasn't ready to say. But before he could say anything the door to the pool house clicked open, and Ryan walked out.  
  
Seth stood up, knocking away Marissa's hands which were resting on his knee, and ran right over to Ryan. He turned towards Seth, but Ryan took a step forward to where he knew he would have to stop short.  
  
"Ryan...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said. Honestly! I think I think what you think of me. Really...I do!" Seth managed before he started to choke on the ball tightening in his throat.  
  
Ryan gave him his famous cold look before, "Seth, I don't know what to do or say. I....well....I need to get out and think. Please," he started, glancing over and acknowledged Marissa's presence, "don't say anything about...you know - Me.  
  
As soon as Ryan finished he turned on his heel and walked right across the lawn, through the gate that led to the drive way and got into the Hummer. He backed out before speeding out of the drive way and peeling out. He wanted to get as far away from the situation as fast as he could. He didn't even look in his rear-view mirror as he headed out to the nearest store.

* * *

Back at the ranch, per-say, Marissa stared unblinking at Seth's opened mouthed expression as he peered at the open gate of which Ryan had just walked out.  
  
"What the hell is going on! First I see Ryan walk back and forth from the pool house to the house two days in a row, then I hear yelling from inside last night, then slamming doors, and then I see you to running after each other this morning. What the hell!"  
  
"Look Coop (Seth started calling her this after hearing Summer call her this day-in and day-out), were having a pretty tough.....uh.....time over here."  
  
"Well, I'd like to hear a little about it if you don't mind!" Marissa yelled, getting pretty angry in a pretty quick amount of time for something she had no idea about.  
  
"I can't really tell you much. But what I can tell you doesn't leave this yard. Are we clear. And I mean you can't tell anyone. Even Summer. Not yet. Clear?!  
  
"Crystal. Now tell." She crossed her legs and pouted her lips as though this was some way of looking attractive.  
  
"I think that I am falling for -" he stopped short, scared of what he was about to say, seeing as how he wasn't even sure yet either. "Ryan. I think that I am developing something serious for him. Ya, ya....the whole "Cohen's queer, Seth's gay" blah blah blah. But I don't think its that. Its just that I feel something when I'm around Ryan and its more than just.....friendship. Okay. Now, I'm not having the best day here," he said as he wiped tears from under his eyes, "and I still need to do some thinking."  
  
At that Seth stood up and walked right into the pool house, locking the door behind him and leaving Marissa alone, shocked and confused on the front patio. He switched the lights off, and stretched out on Ryan's bed, breathing in the warm scent that was still there.

* * *

As Ryan drove, the tears started again, unknowing what Seth was saying right now and whether he should just go to the nearest bus station and leave Newport. _No, No, I've made a home here. Kirsten and Sandy will still have me, right?  
_  
He continued driving, thinking of what life would be like without the burden of the past and the homosexuality. "What would it be like if Seth really felt something for me. Something. Anything. I know its impossible, but that would be all I would ever ask for" he asked no one aloud, staring up at the setting sun as if asking, or telling god of his needs.  
  
He had finally made it to the Wawa and pulled into the lot, parked and checked himself in the mirror. He didn't look like he had been crying, which he was thankful for, but more or less like he had been sleeping. He unbuckled and got out of the car before heading towards the entrance.  
  
As he did, so he saw out of the corner of his eye movement, and turned to see a gang of guys a bit older than him laughing about something. The light showed upon his features as he neared the building, and one of the guys yelled his name.  
  
"Oi, Atwood, come here," someone yelled, and Ryan turned, but still with a quizzical look on his face.  
  
He walked slowly wondering why these random people were calling for him, but before he could do so one of them sprang up and hit him.  
  
Hit him hard in the face with a bat, knocking him out cold. He was unconscious and therefore missed everything else the little gang decided to do with their bats, chains, pipes, fists and legs.

* * *

**There we go. Chapter 7! Hope it was alright and you all enjoyed. Please R & R and I will get Chap. 8 up as soon as I can! **


	8. Checking In

**The Way He Looks At Me**

I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.

- This is a, well, WILL be SLASH. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.  
- Thoughts will be typed like this -Finally I have gotten some nice reviews! Please, if you read this, please please PLEASE review even if its a couple words. It lets me know that there are at least some people reading! -Thank you so much to all reviews….I'll get around to thanking all of you in the next chapter  
-My characters are becoming OOC, and well, all I can say is sorry. My story....so my personality! (jk)

-I'm soooooo sorry that it took me about two months (!) to update. Every day I felt bad for not writing this chapter but I have a lot going on right now. I willpost ch. 9ASAP and I hope you all enjoy! (andI am also looking for a beta willing to um.......beta my stuff, but also put up with a noobies confusion about some things)

-_Disclaimer_- I don't own these characters, or pretend to. They all belong to Fox, and I love them for making this show!

**Chapter 8**

Seth was alone in Ryan's room for only minutes before he gave in to Marissa's incessive pleadings for him to come back outside.

Almost as soon as Seth stepped out of the threshold onto the porch, Marissa started, as Seth knew she would, bombarding him with questions.

But before she took her first breath, he had already stopped listening. He slowly walked over to the nearest chair and sat down, staring half-heartedly at the open gate leading to the front of the house.

"Do you think he'll come back? Tonight that is…well, actually, I hope he comes back period." Seth asked, still looking towards the gate.

"Oh Seth, don't say that. Of course Ryan'll be back. Just give him some time to adjust. But I need you to explain one thing to me"

"One thing? Already I think you've asked me 18!"

"Fine – last question. Promise. Maybe."

"Look Mariss, you can't expect this to be easy on me…"

"I know babe," she sighed, placing her hand on Seth's knee, "but hey. Think about it this way. After you talk about you'll feel all better inside. That's what my physiatrist tells me anyway."

"Alright. But this is your last question for now. I'm tired" he yawned as he finished talking, stretching his arms above his head.

"Okay. What did----" Marissa stopped as she saw Mrs. Cohen hurry out of the house and across the lawn with what has obviously a terrified look on her face.

"Mom!" Seth stood up, and hurried over to meet her with Marissa close behind.

"It's Ryan. He's just been admitted into the hospital. I don't know what happened but he's just barely hanging on."

Seth, with a determined look on his face, strode across the lawn and out the gate, before realizing that he didn't have the keys to the Beamer. He quickly turned around, ran into the house and into the kitchen, grabbed the keys of the kitchen counter and sprinted back out of the house.

As he pulled out of the driveway, he rolled down the window and shouted, "Which hospital?"

"Newport. The ER. Are you sure you should go hun?"

"You need to ask?" Seth yelled as the window went up and he peeled out of the driveway in the direction of the Newport Hospital.

* * *

After just 4 hours, Ryan was allowed visitors. By that time, the gang had already arrived. First came Sandy and Kirsten, hand in hand, looking like 4 year olds on Halloween, scared out of their minds. Then, only minutes later, in walked a flustered Marissa and a bewildered Summer.

Seth did a double take when summer walked through the door, both wondering why Marissa brought summer of all people, and what Summer knew about him already. By the looks of it, nothing.

Kirsten and Sandy were the first to go in, even though Ryan was still out. While they were visiting, no one was in the mood to talk…at first.

"So, um, Cohen. What happened?" Summer started, averting her eyes to the floor, which suddenly made sense.

Realization dawned him all at once. "Oh my god. This wasn't just some random gang thing was it?! Was this like, one of those, bashings? A, uh…….ya know" at this Seth traced an invisible pattern on the desk next to the chair he was sitting in, "_fine._ I'll say it. A _gay_ bashing. Well…what do you think?"

Summer's jaw dropped, and Seth blushed as he realized, for sure this time, that Summer really _didn't_ know why she was here.

"Chinos Gay!" she exclaimed, drawing stares from a few of the people sitting near her in the waiting room. Summer dropped her voice, and repeated as if she hadn't been heard. "Chinos Gay!"

Marissa turned to explain, before realizing that she too didn't understand what was happening. "Seth, I thought you said that it was _you_ who was um……gay?" she said, sounding as confused as the look she wore.

"Cohens gay too! What did I miss?! It's been less than a day since I talked to you Seth. What the fuck's been goin' on!?"

"Let me explain. It would do you both some good." Marissa leaned back in the chair with a look of interest, while Summer looked more perplexed than ever.

"I can't go into detail about Ryan's part of the story, partly because I don't really know all of it, and it's not my story to tell. Ok?"

"Sure, sure…get on with it!" Marissa gasped, looking more eager than he had ever seen her.

"Alright. Well, I've always looked at Ryan as this cool, way-to-good-to-be-hanging-out-with-me kind of person, but he's stuck by me since he got here. Since then I've had what I thought was just some heterosexual man crush, but apparently not. I guess I've started seeing him in a new light," Seth paused, realizing that he never really thought about how what he felt for Ryan. He had never told anyone before, and he hadn't really come clean to himself either now that he thought about it.

"I really don't know what happened. But…well…he's just always been so important to me. Before he came here I was the most unpopular person in the whole damn state. Ryan knew that when he arrived, but he stay stuck with me.

Whenever he would walk into a room, I could feel myself warm with some sort of joy, just knowing that he was there. We could just sit and play video games for hours. Or, ya know, not. But still spend hours on end together, talking about nothing at all.

Then it seemed to happen at all at once. I was enjoying being around Ryan more and more, and just yesterday, when you broke up with me," at this, Summer made some noise, but Marissa waved her hand to shush her.

Seth continued. "I got home and heard Mom and Dad talking about Ryan, and they sounded really concerned. So I basically ease-dropped, and heard some pretty shitty things. All I can say is that Ryan has had more to deal with in his 17 years he's been around than any other person on the fucking planet. We knew he had to go through some bad shit, but we were way off the mark. He's actually been, um, gay I believe for a long time. Maybe he bats for both teams, but I don't think so. Right after I heard, I wanted to go to Ryan and just be his rock. He's put up with all my shit the whole time he's been here and I just realized that no one had even been there for him.

For whatever reason I put it off until morning, when I figured I would have thought everything through. Once I made it down to the pool house, we had some words and a little while later he stormed off. And wherever he was, someone attacked him."

Seth finished his little spheal, figuring that it was all fairly boring, and looked around for something else to occupy his time.

"Yes, yes Cohen, that's all fine and dandy, but you haven't really said anything about how **your** gay."

Seth's face fell. _I figured I did a good job of boring them…damn! Hmm, what do I say?_

He shifted in his seat and adverted his eyes, glancing about the room. "I'm gunna go get something to –" but Marissa grabbed his arm before he was able to fully stand.

"Look bud. I know this isn't easy, but come on. Give me something to do here. Just get it over with. It'll feel much better once it's out in the open."

"Fine! You want to know what I think of Ryan!?" Seth asked, seemingly blowing up at the prodding to continue.

At that moment, Kirsten and Sandy were walking over, Kirsten still a little teary eyed and pouty, while Sandy was stone-faced.

"You three can go in. He's not awake yet, but he's stable and can have visitors."

Seth stood up first and quickly walked towards Ryan's room, with Marissa and Summer trailing behind.

* * *

**Alright, so that's this chapter. Again, I'm SO VERY SORRY that it took me so damn long to get this chapter up, but I've been incredibly busy. I have started on the next chapter and promise to have it up quickly – the end of the weekend at the latest.**

**Please R & R and I will love you forever!!!!**


	9. Delovly

**The Way He Looks At Me**

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.

- This is a, well, WILL be SLASH. Rated R for sexual content and language.

-Thoughts _thoughts_

-Please, if you read this, please PLEASE review even if it's a couple words. It lets me know that there are at least some people reading!

* * *

Chapter 9 - Delovly

As Seth placed his hand on the cold, metal doorknob to room 7 in the Emergency ward of the Newport County Hospital, the realness of what he was about to see hit him once more.

He paused as he turned the knob, realizing he had been holding his breathe the whole trip from waiting room to hospital bed.

As they walked in as a group, they all looked around quickly, taking in what they could at first glance.

They couldn't see much because they lights were all turned off, with the exception of the light from the bathroom and light coming from the open door. They could make out the outline of a broad body lying in bed, the chest slowing rising and falling, and the weight of a cast on Ryan's arm as it rested atop the sheets.

Seth inched his way forward, followed closely by Marissa, but Summer remained at the doorway, silently watching.

Marissa moved to one side of the bed as Seth stepped to the other. There was a conveniently placed chair facing the bed on Seth's side, probably from when Sandy and Kirsten were visiting.

Seth sat down in the chair, leaning forward and placed his hand upon the hand connected to the casted arm. He sighed as the light hit the side of Ryan's face, illuminating the cuts and bruises on his face. Surprisingly, his cheeks and eyes were untouched, and Seth couldn't help but stare at his face.

He sighed as he leaned forward, brushing a lock of blonde hair off his face, and bringing his face closer to Ryan's. He immediately leaned back, realizing what he was doing, shifting his gaze to meet Marissa's.

"He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping, doesn't he?" she asked, shifting her eyes back to Ryan, trying to lighten the mood.

"Hah," Seth laughed awkwardly, "ya, I guess. I just hope that's what he's doing. Sleeping, that is."

"I'm sure everything is going be fine Seth. You know Ryan. Nothing can bring him down."

"I hope," he sighed and turned his attention to the door where Summer was still standing silently.

"Are you alright?" Seth asked, standing up from the chair.

"Oh………me? Ya, ya, I'm fine. This is just all a little much, ya know?" Summer responded as she moved farther into the room.

Summer continued walking over until she was standing at the foot of the bed and rested her hand on Ryan's blanketed feet.

All three looked on at Ryan for several minutes in an awkward silence until suddenly, without warning, Summer ran over to Seth and enveloped him in a hug as she started to cry. Seth, from some random reaction, had his hands out and looked towards Marissa with wide, questioning eyes.

Summer continued sobbing into Seth's shoulder until he remember his hands and started to pat and rub her on the back, but still staring at Marissa.

"I'm so sorry Seth – this must be impossibly hard for you! I've been such an ice queen. God, I'm sorry. Please forgive me!" Summer pleaded, making Seth's eyes, if possible, even bigger.

"What the hell….." he said out loud and Marissa started to finally make her way across the room.

"Hey Summ, it's okay. It's understandable that this is a bit of informational overload. Here, sit down," Marissa said as she pried Summer off of Seth and forced her into the chair.

"God, I'm such a freak!" Summer exclaimed as she stared into her hands.

"Hey," Seth started as he rubbed her shoulder, "I didn't even know you had a……uh…..problem. It's cool. No one should really be handling this well, ya know?"

"Well……..um……..now I feel stupid. I probably look stupid too." "Ew," she said as and afterthought as she caught a glimpse of her make-up in the mirror. "Anyway, um……Seth, is there anything I can do?"

"Well….lets see. You could start by wiping that black stuff of your eyes. You look like a raccoon." With that Summer smiled and gave Seth a playful punch in the arm. "Ow," Seth returned as he fake-fainted into the chair behind him.

"Just know that I'm sorry and this is so cool. It's like the Valley really happening here….in Newport!" Summer responded as she waved her hand in the air. Oh, and I just want to know one thing Seth, do you like……love Ryan?"

Marissa was suddenly interested also and acknowledged the question by nodding her head furiously up and down with a quizzical smile on her face. "Come on Seth. Now it's on both our minds and unless you answer, you don't get to leave," Marissa said as she blocked the door.

"I……oh…..look, there's a Liger!" Seth said as he pointed towards the window with a failed attempt to avoid the topic at hand.

"Answer!" Summer and Marissa shouted in unison with smiles on their faces.

"Well, I suppose, if I must answer, the answer would be yes. I do believe I love Ryan," Seth said as he examined his fingernails in another attempt to avoid the evermore increasingly annoying girls he was being forced to talk to.

"Awww!" Summer squealed as she hurried over to Seth, "and might I add oh," she finished in a defeated voice.

At Summer's last statement they both looked at her and followed her gaze to a tired-looking but now wide awake Ryan Atwood.

* * *

**Ok! That's chapter 9! Woohoo! And I'm really sorry it took sooooo long, but I got really sick over the last few months and just got out of surgery – BUT that means lots of recovery time and I will update ASAP! Oh, and please review!**


	10. First Kiss

**The Way He Looks At Me**

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.

-Please, if you read this, please PLEASE review even if it's a couple words!

-This is a SLASH……..which means that there will be homosexual pairings, well, actually, malemale. SethRyan! However, I would like this to be a kind of loviedovie story….but I will have smut soon – no worries!

* * *

Summer had just reached Seth when she saw Ryan wide awake, and her hand that she had placed lovingly on his shoulder slowly slid off. He glanced at the three people standing around his bed before he took in the surroundings of his room.

Seth's mouth had formed a perfect O and Marissa was looking a bit teary-eyed. No one knew what to do or say, and no one wanted to move.

"Ryan….are you okay?" Marissa asked, speaking up first.

"Hmm? Oh, ya, I guess. My chest hurts, and my arm, and my leg, and face…..but other than that….." Marissa laughed as she moved closer to Ryan.

Seth also slowly stepped over to Ryan when he wasn't looking, and placed his hand in Ryan's before he whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Ryan's head moved quickly to Seth with a cold look in his eyes, which immediately seemed to disappear.

Ryan noticed the look on Seth's face, trying to place it, knowing he had seen it before. Seth seemed to be working something out in his head, but before Ryan could say anything he found his lips being massaged by Seth's.

He closed his eyes, allowing all the pain he was feeling to melt away for the few moments it lasted. The tension between the two seemed to dissipate. His mind was reeling. So much had just happened in less than a minute.

He leaned his head foreword as Seth broke the kiss, dying for more of the thing he had wanted; waited for, for the past several months to happen.

He looked up into his warm brown eyes as Seth whispered, "I'm so sorry," again.

"It's okay," Ryan whispered back, softly squeezing the hand he remembered was in his.

"I love you," Seth whispered again, but Ryan's face suddenly became tense. "Don't say that," Ryan responded in a stone voice.

"Oh. I'm…..uh……sorry?" Seth repeated for the third time, looking slightly confused and out of place.

Ryan looked away, dropping Seth's hand. "Just don't say it…….please."

They continued to gaze at each other in silence, swimming in each others eyes. Everything they had went through in the last couple days seemed to melt away.

Marissa and Summer moved to either sides of the bed and smiled at each other, happy with what they saw between the boys.

The sudden opening of the door brought all four of them back to earth as a doctor walked in – in a very chipper mood.

"Well! Were awake I see; always a good sign. Mr. Atwood, I'm Dr. Brown – I'll be your attending tonight. And how are we feeling?" he asked, not noticing the three other bodies in the room as he glanced over his charts and whatever else he was holding.

"I'm pretty tired, and uh………everything…..hurts………really, really bad."

"Well, in your case, yes. Everything should hurt. But that means that your nerve endings are alright and well, the pain is good. Oh, and who do we have here?" Dr. Brown asked as he looked up into the faces of Summer, Marissa, and Seth.

"Hi, I'm Seth," he said, seemingly eager to please. "This is….." Seth said, trailing off as a beeping started emanating from the Dr.'s crotch.

"Oh! That would be my pager. I will be back to see you when your visitors have gone so we can have a little more privacy, yes? Ok, nice meeting all you," he said as he hurried out of the room.

Seth glanced back at Ryan. "Well, that was interesting."

"To say the least," Summer sighed as she fell back into a chair.

Ryan did his best to shift in his bed, grimacing in pain as he did so. "This is very…….odd," he said as he gave up and sank back into the sheets.

"Wha?" Marissa asked, also sitting down.

"Well, I mean, I just got the shit beaten out of me a few hours ago, I heard Seth say he…….and I just kissed him, and you two are here and acting like nothing has happened. Is this to Twilight Zone? Should I go brood in the corner or something? Can someone else please start talking?" Ryan said with a slight smile, feeling very awkward again in the girls' presence. But something about having Seth right next to him holding his hand made everything seem alright.

It was Seth's turn to give Ryan's hand a reassuring squeeze as he glared at Summer who got the message. She got up, sighing heavily again, and made her way to the door. "I'm going for coffee…..coming Coop?" she asked, hoping Marissa would also catch on.

"Wait! You're going to go?" Ryan said immediately.

"Oh, Ryan. _I'm_ really not that…….ouch!" Marissa yelped as Summer kicked her a little to obviously. "Oh, yes. I feel it now. Right there. I need my caffeine fix about now. I think I will join you Sum, excuse me." She stood up and met Summer at the door and they both left rather quickly, but quietly closed the door behind them.

Ryan stared intensely at the door, then, AGAIN remember Seth's hand, looked at it.

"Please don't leave me," he said in a soft voice, seemingly defeated.

"I would never," Seth responded, looking down into Ryan's blue eyes as he leaned in, placing a soft kiss on his tender lips, and never letting his gaze fall. Ryan allowed himself to relax into the kiss, slowly snaking his good hand to the Seth's back as Seth went to deepen their kiss for the first time.

Almost as soon as Ryan felt Seth's soft tongue, he broke away and quickly looked elsewhere in the room, trying not to meet Seth's suddenly concerned face.

"Did I do something?" Seth asked, refusing not to let Ryan's hand go.

"It's just," Ryan started, slowly tracing his eyes up Seth's body, "are you sure that this is what you want. To be with…...me? Another guy? I just don't won't you to…" but Ryan was unable to finish as Seth zoomed back in, placing a harder but still tender kiss on Ryan's lips, closing his eyes in pleasure.

After he felt he made his point, he broke away, smiled and asked, "If I didn't want to be with you, why oh why the hell would I keep kissing you?"

* * *

**There. That took me so long. I can't believe I can't churn these chapters out quickly. My brain farts out on me every time I go to write this. I'm again sorry it took so long…but here it is! Please review!**


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